Back to This Again

Five years ago I began a story that held my heart like nothing I had ever written before. I can't tell you why, but the story was so special. It just had something in it that made me smile. I ended up just dropping it unfinished because things got overwhelming that year and I couldn't recapture my inspiration.
Well, recently, I started to feel that sinking sensation that you get when have so much in you but you don't use it to any purpose. Restless. Listless. Sad. I knew that I needed to write. To write or to implode. So, I grabbed my story.
Ever since I was in my early teens, writing has been a happy place for me to go to. A place where all my pent-up creativity can leak out and make sense of itself. It's a place where my soul can live exactly as it is, all the weird idiosyncrasies of my personality can come out and never need to have an explanation or defense. They are understood and appreciated without question. So when I don't write, I start to sink. I feel lost. I feel robotic and common. And I hate that feeling.
Anyway, about my story, let me tell you; it is beautiful. It's funny and unique and odd and I love it. I feel like I escape to another place. A world that might not be ideal, but is full of adventure and new people and places. Writing is putting yourself into sentences. It isn't about making money or getting your name out there for the world to notice. Writing is about letting what is inside of you come alive on paper, it's sharing your very essence with the reader.
Writing is also a challenge. And Heaven knows I love a challenge. I love being made to work to achieve something. It's strange, I know, but it makes me feel strong. "Hit me with your best shot" strong.
You might be thinking, dear reader, that I "feel" an awful lot. Unless you too are an artist, you have no idea. The feels are ghastly. Wonderful, and then so terrible they make a disaster of your mind. The smallest of things can inspire a flood of feelings with unfathomable depths. They can push you to the edge and make you crazy. It's just another motivating factor behind writing. Using that onslaught of emotion to fuel the story, or the poem.
I have missed writing. I miss the challenge of my creative writing class in college, I miss the adventure and pressure of newspaper writing. I miss writing about hundred-year-old literary pieces. I even miss writing for poetry contests. I'm not solitary anymore, and I won't be ever again. But, I can (and will) write. Even now. Even as low-key as my situation may seem in light of former life adventures.
It doesn't have to be a "mommy blog" or a "this is my life with kids" tribute. It can still be what it always was; writing for me.
Even if your situation isn't what you thought it would be, or if it is and didn't turn out to be the adventure you hoped it would, write anyway. Don't stop. Keep being you, keep inspiring the world (even if the world hasn't seen it yet) and keep inspiring yourself.

A few tips for the over-analyzer in all of us

I'm an over-analyzer. If my mind was an object, it would be a stand-mixer. All the worries and thoughts dumped in and turned round and round. Over and over. I hate that about myself. One little thing will set off my emotions and then I pin down that one little thing and torture it to death. Only, I don't actually kill it...I just make it grow bigger and bigger until it is an all-encompassing life issue that must be dealt with immediately if I am ever to get any sleep again.

So, I decided to make a list...a few tips on how to channel the 'gift' that is my mind, so I can have some peace. And maybe stop taking things so seriously. 

1. Reconsider some habits. 

We all have habits we get into and don't really think about too much, These things can precondition us to immediately react a certain way to things we see and hear. Like the t.v. shows we watch or the websites we browse, the social media groups we follow, even just the people we feel we should concern ourselves with because we think they're important (or detrimental) in some way to our happiness. Turn off the t.v., stop tuning into the websites or social media groups and let the people go...stop concerning yourself with them. Clear out some of the white noise that just doesn't need to be there.

James 1:8 "A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways." Psalm 34:14 "Depart from evil and do good; Seek peace and pursue it."

2. Make time for things you enjoy. 

The extra time you have on your hands can sometimes be abysmal for your mind and its analytic tendencies. Fill your extra minutes with hobbies that you enjoy. Try something you have never tried before. Accomplish a project. Your mind will be too busy with the tasks at hand to be concerned about blowing problems out of proportion. 

1 Corinthians 10:31 "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

3. Think grateful thoughts. 

When you are in the shower, doing dishes, sweeping, cooking, walking to the car, etc., purposely think about the things you are grateful for. Make long, glorious lists of the wonderful things in your life and praise God for them. This works like a shield, keeping the negative thoughts from weaseling their way into your brain. 

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

4. Talk to the people you love. 

The people you have in your life who love you will encourage you. Talk to them, not just about what bothers you, but open new topics...find things to laugh about and interesting anecdotes to share with one another. When you talk about positive things with others it leaves you feeling lighter and happier.

Romans 14:19 "So let us then definitely aim for and eagerly pursue what makes for harmony and for mutual upbuilding (edification and development) of one another." (AMP)

5. When the negative thoughts start creeping in, put a stop to them.

You may not always be above thinking about things that make you go crazy, but you can choose to reject all the negativity and get control back. Many times we let our imagination take over to the point where we start emotionally acting out on nothing more than conjecture! Let the Truth have center stage and kick the confusion to the wayside. 

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ." 

If you have the same struggles that I have then I hope that you find this list beneficial. It is easy to get caught up in thinking about issues in relationships, family drama, the taunts of your enemies, the stress and pressure of trying to measure up to some impossible ideal you have set for yourself. These are the problems of life, but they don't have to consume us. We have the choice, we have the ability to put an end to the negativity and to be the person we are designed to be. 

Happy, loving, honest, fun, interesting, lovely, compassionate, graceful, insightful, welcoming, joyous, delightful, faithful, calm, exciting, strong, invested, dependable, willing, ready, able. :)

Love Covers

Ugh. The most difficult part of writing for me is putting the pen to the paper, or fingers to the keyboard, in this case. Once I get writing, it's easy. I have to motivate myself to write, because when I don't do it I feel further and further away from it. It's like calling a friend that you haven't talked to in a while...you're half afraid to even call because you are ashamed of how long you have let it become since the last time the two of you talked.
Silly. But, then, so are a lot of mindsets we allow ourselves to fall into. I am trying to be above that, and this is my effort. :)
So...what's new with you? I'll tell you what's new with me. I have a son! He is just so amazing. When he smiles, the whole room lights up, and I never knew such complete happiness until now. He was due on his daddy's birthday, but delayed eight days and ended up coming the day before mine. It was a very scary experience for me, going through a pregnancy and labor. I had the dreaded "morning" sickness for four months (which just happened to be over the summer, bleah!) and then I ended up getting induced and pushing him out with no epidural or pain medication. I was so afraid and I remember wishing I was more like my husband. Jake is fearless, I've never met anyone like that before. He doesn't even think about it, he just sees something and conquers it. That, to me, is nothing short of amazing, especially considering what he has gone through in his life. I wanted to be that way, unafraid.
God got me through it, though. When the doctor laid that little body on my chest I could only wonder how such a thing is possible. All of the sudden what I had only imagined or dreamed about was incredibly real. His little face looked so scared, like he wasn't really sure what had just happened to him or where he was. I just felt such a surge of love and protectiveness that I can only imagine is a fraction of what God feels toward each of us.
Life is beautiful. A brand new baby may inspire you to realize it, but life is truly beautiful at every stage. I think we just lose sight of that fact because of the impact sin has on us all. We fail each other, we fail ourselves and we hurt so deeply. In a panic to protect ourselves from further pain, we block each other out and even come to hate. Hate. It's more of a reflex to guard ourselves than anything else. Love can make us afraid, because love makes us vulnerable. But there is another side to love, and that's the part we choose not to remember. Love covers sins. "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8) Love has more power than we give it credit for. And, believe me, I struggle with that more than anyone. I am the queen of hiding behind a mask of hate to protect my tender feelings. But I don't want to remain that way.
I want to love. Earnestly.

A lot of growing

This is life. A crazy, wild growing experience.
I am getting married in 12 days. That's right...12.
My mother is fighting breast cancer. She had a mastectomy the end of January.
We are heartbroken. We are happy. We are spending everyday, as a family, crying on each other's shoulders, laughing with each other, and learning to trust God. To have faith to please God, peace to tackle each day, to BELIEVE God. Because God is good. He is ALWAYS good. No matter what is going on.
Mom is amazing. She has her eyes on God and is wanting Him to be glorified through her life. Her surgery went really well and she has what the doctors call "incredible tissue." We are blessed.
I have some of the best friends and bridesmaids in the universe and a family that could not be more supportive. So blessed.
So why, I often ask myself, do I make myself feel so insecure? Why is life so intimidating to me? I have talents and education to handle so much more than I give myself credit for, and yet I feel like I never measure up. I think so many people find themselves in that place. Not really sure how they feel about themselves and their abilities. I have a lot of respect for people who step outside of that insecurity and do something that stretches their character.
Be honest, we all have dreams. Or at least, we all have had dreams at one time or another. When is it okay to give up on them and what does that do to our spirit? I am no psychologist and I have no desire to be. But, maybe we need to put a little more energy into doing and a lot less sitting around looking at everyone else's facebook page thinking we will never be....successful.
Our culture paints itself as an advocate to individuality. "Be YOU. It's all good!" However, I think the media, in particular, does the opposite. While seemingly encouraging individuality, the media depicts a very specific picture of success and beauty and "acceptable" behavior. We allow ourselves to be compared to and also defined by the pictures that the media presents to us.
Why?
Look back through history at the people who made bold steps towards things we don't even understand anymore. Esther rescued an entire race of people from slaughter through her actions. Joseph was able to keep more than a nation of people from starvation and famine. The pilgrims struggled through every kind of hardship to settle on a new land for the promise of religious freedom. These people were not celebrities or fame-seekers. They were a kind of breed that no one even honors anymore: the faithful.
Lady Gaga wore a meat dress to show her support of gay marriage. Wow. What an amazing accomplishment! But, hey, it made the news. This is disturbing to me, especially with my core beliefs being based on the Bible. What are our priorities? It's all about love, right? Do we even know what love is anymore?
We will defend our rights to be actively involved in mass genocide (abortion of unborn human beings) but many people get upset if you say that homosexuality is an abomination. (Leviticus 18:22; Romans 1:24-27) Which is more hateful from your perspective? Killing an innocent life at its beginning or finding the action of homosexuality disgusting? Hmmmm. Is the freedom to be stuck in sin and disease really any kind of freedom at all?
But, God has said this is what the world will come to. And even though it hurts my heart to see it, compassion is the only answer. Because love covers a multitude of wrongs, including my own. Love changes lives. And that has been my dream for as long as I can remember. Changed lives. There's really nothing that is much more beautiful than that. Stand on the truth, but don't forget love.
I have a lot of growing to do.

The bane of my existence

We all have our weaknesses…yes, even I. My particular kryptonite is a seemingly harmless evil called “laundry.” I pretty much loathe doing laundry. For me, it has never been simple and cute like Susie-stinkin-home-maker makes it appear to be. Nooooo…I play the game of grand procrastination when it comes to laundry. I let it get to that shameful point where I am wearing two totally different socks (all day long) because I have seventeen and a half pairs crammed tastlessly into my ridiculously small laundry basket/hamper.

Which, by the way, is a terrible method of improving bad habits…a smaller hamper never seems to encourage me to do laundry oftener. Oh no. My basket is crammed tight and towering up like Mount Vesuvius before I ever get around to doing a load…or three. It’s usually three.

There is no such thing as a “small” load of laundry. Not for me. Why do they even have that option on the machine? Nope, I’m vigorously stuffing random socks and underwear into any possible cranny and then sitting on the lid to keep everything in so the thing will run.

Not to mention the laundry detergent issue. Oh man.

One fine glorious day, my mom and I were chatting and I was sorting laundry. Now, my mother will follow you throughout the house if she is talking to you, cause she has stuff to say and it is worth making a decent long conversation out of. So I’m ignoring the slight ribs and jabs about my laundry habit and trying to get Vesuvius to look a little less ominous. Anyway, she follows me to the washing machine where I proceed to pour in the laundry detergent like I always do. I take the lid off and just give the jug a nice, quick swish around the barrel of the machine. Mom stops mid-sentence and I hear this squeal of horror.

Apparently that was not the “most economic” way to be doing laundry.

She claims that is not the way she taught me to do laundry, which I gladly agree with. That was my own brilliant innovation. It started about the time I began cooking without using tablespoons. But that’s another day’s story.

When is a hoodie technically "dirty" anyway? Is it wearable for one day...? Three....days....? A week? (Can you hear the hopefulness in my voice?) It really is an intolerable situation. They don't make a code for doing laundry. People, like myself, have no choice but to try to train themselves to make laundry a bi-weekly habit! All for the sake of cleanliness. I'm all about good hygiene, don't get me wrong, but this is just a bit extreme...this laundry business. 

We all have our weaknesses.

Anti-climactic toads

Write, just write.
I tell myself this all the time. But do I? Not really.
It's tragic. I have what I believe is a gift and I don't truly use it. Not like I could.
This is one of those awful days where I sit staring at my laptop screen, wishing I was Charles Dickens and had something fascinating, in-depth, marvelous to share with you.
I saw a toad today. He (...or she--not an expert on frog anatomy here) was frozen to death.
That's all I got. I know, pathetic. You were probably hoping to read about me finding a lost diary of someone who did something interesting way back when. Not today! No, today I saw a dead toad. How anti-climactic of me.
Now that I have failed you most cruelly, my dear reader, perhaps you'd like to find something more interesting to occupy your time. Like FB or Pinterest or something with pictures. And how can I blame you? If only I could compete! I wish I lived back in the 1800s when a simple, comical illustration every 500 pages or so was sufficient to please a reader. Not so today! Ha! Oh, Dickens...how wonderful your world was!
Hold on, my fiance is explaining to me the details of under-gravel aquarium filters.
At least he is still a hands-on explorer in this modern day. It makes me smile. Besides that, I love to learn new things.
I can't wait till we get some fish in that tank. Ahem. "Aquarium." I almost feel sorry for wanting to put a living creature in a completely see-through environment where I control its existence. What a life for the poor fish! But at the same time, I find it fascinating! Except when the fish die. The other fish start eating them and it's just gross.
I think I'm simply addicted to characters. I like the names, the personalities, their plots and plans and stories. The details. Probably why I love the classics so much, too. All the greats wrote magnificent characters! Jane Austen with her bored and mischievous Emma; Anne Bronte's gallant Gilbert; L. M. Montgomery's dreamy, imaginative Anne; Du Maurier's sweet and naive female protagonist without a name; Dickens and his tragic hero Sydney Carton, comical Mr. Pickwick, hypocritical Seth Pecksniff, noble John Harmon and mysterious Lady Dedlock...I could go on and on.
I just hope someday soon my characters will become that legendary. These days characters are less and less interesting. The readers either don't care or can't find anything else to read so they don't demand better writers. It's so frustrating to hear about "literature" that is only widely read because there is an accompanying movie to make it worth reading. *cough Stephanie Meyer cough*
Books should be deep. Characters should be complex. Readers should demand more from their authors. It's about impact. Not making a dollar.
Just the opinion of one very dedicated classic lit nerd. Think what you will.
So even though nothing more dramatic happened today than the death of a toad, I wrote. :)

Don't stop being you

Yesterday, an acquaintance of mine came up to me and asked if he could tell me something.
I stopped and said "sure." He looked at me and said, very sincerely, "in getting married, just make sure you don't stop being who you are."
I smiled because it's something that I hadn't really thought much about in the whole wedding-planning processes. Everyone has their own very unique personality, with intricacies and oddities that are completely exclusive to that particular individual.
But, however unique and diverse a person may be, humanity has it's ways of pasting on a fantastic facade. For various reasons, we often believe we are not "good enough" in our own skin. We essentially want to be amazing and are too afraid to be confident in the fact that we already are. Instead, we take a tip from the ever-present media and borrow a popular image to mock.
If you really think about it, that isn't being very fair to ourselves. And, overall, it just ends up making us miserable. Be you.
Start by making a list. (I love lists!) Write down 10-20 things about yourself that you think are quirky, unique, strange, fantastic or just plain interesting. Get comfortable in your skin. So when someone comes up to you and tells you to never stop being yourself you will know who that is.